There’s a twisting in the center of my chest, a familiar physical expression of anxiety, but with no discernible reason for it this time.
I saved this period of time aside to rest, relax, read, write, walk, visit friends, take day trips, take things slow, and easy before the hectic life of working retail during the holidays sets in. I’ve looked forward to this vacation for weeks.
Ten days off, unheard of since I’ve been working full time. So, why this anxiety threatening to steal my good time? Several days in to my vacation, I decided to stop looking for reasons for this rather unpleasant feeling, likening the sensation to stage fright. I experience stage fright, but sing anyway. I experience anxiety, but do relaxing things on my vacation anyway. ‘Oh well, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would, but I’m still relaxing right?’
The why of this anxiety kept circling. I decided to write this piece out in hopes to ease the anxiety, but also to reveal a reason for the anxious vibes in the first place.
Before this time off, I had been working hard, and keeping busy these past few years. After a major life adjustment in 2022, I had to first establish a home, living on my own for the first time in my life. I needed to find work, trying to become financially independent for the first time in my life. I worked my way to full time, and keep working hard to maintain my life, well, scrape by anyway.
Now, a luxurious, approved ten days off. Two whole weekends off, and this unassociated, unassigned, annoying anxious vibe robbing me of luxuriating in
my vacation hours. Doing all the things I do to calm myself, the anxiety remained.
Busy, I’ve been so busy. Maybe, the busy has been a distraction. I’ve heard of this, but never really knew I could be doing it. Never have I had trouble filling up open time with relaxing and pleasurable activities. I’ve been known to read, write, sing, walk, take long hot baths, watch films, visit with friends, garden, and generally enjoy my calm, quiet, and peaceful down time. My "me" time. So why this invasive tension now?
The truth is I still don’t know. What I do know is it can't be pinned to one thing. It’s many things. Maybe this down time gives me time to ponder all that’s happened in my life these last few years, the anxiety still tugging at my chest. Soon I’ll be back at work, reminiscing about my vacation time. I’ll have some good memories in there. A day trip to Bodega Bay and Dillon Beach afforded a brief break from anxious feelings. Maybe, I’ll have to be o’kay with this free-floating anxiety for now. Maybe it’s telling me something I need to listen to. And, maybe, just maybe, everything will be o’kay.
Thank you for reading,
Michelle
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